That would come out roughly as:
"Once upon a time, in a land far, far away,
a brave not-so-young hero had stumbled upon an artifact of immense power!
Woe is the hero, for he rubbed the artifact not once, not twice, but many times,
yet grant his exact wishes it would not!
Where he wished for women, he got bitches;
where he wished for drinks, he got water;
where he wished for riches, he got a Construct developer!
Thus our frustrated hero howled at the artifact."
Moral of the story: just keep rubbing, eventually you'll figure out how to make it grant your exact desires.
This. all of it.
You sir, win at the internet.
~Sol